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Tuesday, March 1, 2016

writing on walls (and self)

Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Our cells completely renew themselves every fourteen years. 
The last time I wrote on this blog was May 2015, and it's now March 2016, and I'm pushing 17, and I've become someone I never thought I would be.
I am content. 
I am far from the 98-pound fifteen year old I once was. I no longer thrive on hunger: I thrive on energy. Slowly making my transition to a completely vegan diet, but for now, I understand the importance of growth and my circumstance's restrictions. Although my mental health still wavers, it is much more stable than ever. Regular movement and becoming part of the track team has recently helped-- and tomorrow, I am adding Kayla Itsine's Bikini Body Guide to my regimen to get stronger, because I am learning to love myself again. (follow along on @sweetpotatosquats on instagram)
We went home to El Salvador this summer. It was the most amazing summer I've ever had, and definitely the happiest one. Reconnected with the people that matter the most in the world. Connected with a few new ones. Slowly, slowly but surely, letting myself love again. 
I no longer write as much literal stuff as I used to. Metaphor, whether it be visual or penned, helps me understand much more. Pushes me to question: why do I equate her to making, to gospel? Why is he yellow and red and blue and gold and green? Why are they fruits?
Come to terms with the fluidity of self. 
Document, for yourself, not others. Made peace with most people. 
Family is still complicated: but I know I will not lose them when I am twenty five (and life is no longer a count down to twenty five: I know I have to be patient, but I must live in the meantime). 
With the second semester of junior year halfway through, AP exams, standardized tests, and the college application process looming, my time for written expression has dwindled. It is so much easier to carry a sketchbook than it is to write in a journal (sketchbooks and poetry, it seems, have taken the place of the ubiquitous journal). I finished up my Moleskine this past Sunday, and cannot wait to finish the new notebook as well. 
Who knows what this blog will become-- maybe no longer a place to showcase the life of a teenage hot mess anymore, but a place to make sense of what's left. Of a growing inclination for classical music, art, drinking two liters of water a day, a boyfriend, embroidery. Thanks for stopping by.

I am not as active on here as I should be. Check @phi-lology on tumblr, a studyblr of mine that is regularly updated. 

isabel in disarray © 2014