Monday, May 2, 2016

napowrimo: dear god, I suck at time

Monday, May 2, 2016
the paint chip calendar on my wall still says that it is flyway, april 30th,
so technically, this is not late. 
lacewing, darling, covers my every curve as I wait for your
minuet (just a minute)
and suffocate.
 I am now:
  1. A dancing queen (only seventeen)
  2. Beginning to journey into the wondrous world of college applications 
  3. Officially studying for AP Exams
  4. On my first week of Whole30
  5. Registered with the Social Security
  6. No longer a Salvadoran national, apparently
  7. Part of the Monterrey Art World (TM)
  8. With hair too long to stand
  9. Procrastinating on chemistry homework.
I am getting my life together after a few weeks (a month) of disaster, of stage lights and Hamilton, of late nights and anxiety attacks, of breakdowns and breakups. It is possible. It is possible. 

Saturday, April 2, 2016

napowrimo: day 2

Saturday, April 2, 2016
Prompt: a family portrait

You like to talk about how I made you hunt down a flower
                                                                                              in the middle of the Arizona desert
fifteen years ago

(It's only half of us:
my father
young, stubble, face sinking in
 I'm chubby, Dora in person, nothing much has changed)

Shrieks for petal softness

(the beach in the background, sun kissed skin, back when my skin was the color of the writing desk at your mother's home)

Wails for the calyx 

(I only have fake flowers in my room now, you know?)

     and we're both we're both we're both

Family portrait: "Lady Mary Neville and her son Gregory Fiennes," by Hans Eworth, Private collection. 

Scandal! Lady Mary Neville's first husband is executed because he probably killed someone. Lady Mary Neville hates this. Lady Mary Neville must restore the family's honor, obviously. So she commissions a portrait that is just exquisite enough to show everyone who's boss, after her A+ relationship with Queen Elizabeth I fixes everything up again.
                  In all seriousness, this portrait is an anomaly in British portrait painting up to that time. The identity of the subjects was disputed until the late 1980's, it depicts a mother and son. And Lady Mary's role is painted as that of a dominant person; her son is at her left, instead of the customary right that men would take (signifying their importance in a woman's life) at the time. 
    Gregory Fiennes's cheekbones are the envy of a nation. 

Friday, April 1, 2016

napowrimo 2016: the first poem

Friday, April 1, 2016

It's April, and that means National Poetry Writing Month! More info can be found here. I'm also adding a few art pieces here and there that can somehow, somehow tie to the poem.
Prompt: a lune (5-3-5 syllables)

mírame vos, hoy
                           nos vamos
perdoname, yo

            pero yo quiero
tu luna,
       nar lunático

y te veo en
   siento en
  quiero en mí:

there are new things that
   make me feel
better than you did.

Scene from The Ivy (Yadorigi), chapter 49 of the Tale of Genji
From the Met. "Scene from Yadorigi, chapter 49 of the Tale of Genji" by the Studio of Tawaraya Sotatsu. 

This is a hanging scroll, attributed to the studio of Tawaraya Sotatsu, that belongs to the Edo period in Japanese history, specifically, yamato-e painting. Yamato-e symbolizes a creation, and solidification, of Japanese identity-- which was previously deeply influenced by Chinese culture. It is ironic that what can be perceived as a schism in Asian art often depicts scenes of romance, such as the one pictured above (albeit a necessary schism).
I like to think of Genji as the Jack Harkness of the 9th century.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

writing on walls (and self)

Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Our cells completely renew themselves every fourteen years. 
The last time I wrote on this blog was May 2015, and it's now March 2016, and I'm pushing 17, and I've become someone I never thought I would be.
I am content. 
I am far from the 98-pound fifteen year old I once was. I no longer thrive on hunger: I thrive on energy. Slowly making my transition to a completely vegan diet, but for now, I understand the importance of growth and my circumstance's restrictions. Although my mental health still wavers, it is much more stable than ever. Regular movement and becoming part of the track team has recently helped-- and tomorrow, I am adding Kayla Itsine's Bikini Body Guide to my regimen to get stronger, because I am learning to love myself again. (follow along on @sweetpotatosquats on instagram)
We went home to El Salvador this summer. It was the most amazing summer I've ever had, and definitely the happiest one. Reconnected with the people that matter the most in the world. Connected with a few new ones. Slowly, slowly but surely, letting myself love again. 
I no longer write as much literal stuff as I used to. Metaphor, whether it be visual or penned, helps me understand much more. Pushes me to question: why do I equate her to making, to gospel? Why is he yellow and red and blue and gold and green? Why are they fruits?
Come to terms with the fluidity of self. 
Document, for yourself, not others. Made peace with most people. 
Family is still complicated: but I know I will not lose them when I am twenty five (and life is no longer a count down to twenty five: I know I have to be patient, but I must live in the meantime). 
With the second semester of junior year halfway through, AP exams, standardized tests, and the college application process looming, my time for written expression has dwindled. It is so much easier to carry a sketchbook than it is to write in a journal (sketchbooks and poetry, it seems, have taken the place of the ubiquitous journal). I finished up my Moleskine this past Sunday, and cannot wait to finish the new notebook as well. 
Who knows what this blog will become-- maybe no longer a place to showcase the life of a teenage hot mess anymore, but a place to make sense of what's left. Of a growing inclination for classical music, art, drinking two liters of water a day, a boyfriend, embroidery. Thanks for stopping by.

I am not as active on here as I should be. Check @phi-lology on tumblr, a studyblr of mine that is regularly updated. 

isabel in disarray © 2014