Thursday, January 29, 2015

on life goals

Thursday, January 29, 2015
unedited. taken on the bridge to school.

currently listening to: walk the moon
currently reading: the catcher in the rye

but mother, can't you see
she's the one that ties me to the mast when the siren songs of shower heads
ring between my ears?

i thought that being happy required a certain set of rules. of goals set. i was going to be a graphic designer in some big city, maybe new york, have my own blog and fanbase to follow, go to school somewhere renown and have a double major, aesthetic apartment. macbook pro, cats. interestingly enough i never thought about my relationship status. skinny. 

those were my life goals a year ago. ultimately. i tried sticking to them as closely as possible, and ended up hating myself for it. i had all my high school career set, even which colleges i was going to apply to (mainly design schools), until the day that my parents announced we were leaving.

instantly, my life was turned upside down. four year plans erased, new friendships forged, everything packed up and leave. hitting the refresh button on my life made me re-evaluate my choices. 

now, instead of all that jazz, i want to:
1) still live in new york. this is the one dream i'm not letting go of. we're visiting and touring colleges there this summer, hopefully. if i like it, i'll go there. if not, i'll let paths create themselves.
2) be financially stable. not work as a graphic designer, but rather, work a job that makes me happy and keeps me secure enough- if that's a writer for the new york times or a florist, who cares. right now, i'm babysitting and saving change. 
3) do things i enjoy. in the future, make something out of my hobbies. right now, keep doing them. keep writing, keep reading, keep playing, keep dancing. 
4) do things because i want to. if i don't want to take that class, i won't. fight for what i want. grow as a person. 
5) don't hold back. say what i have to say. be unapologetic about who i am. 
6) be kind. be kind to everyone i meet, but don't be afraid to be angry.
7) support causes i believe in. be a better ally. understand. bring awareness to problems that affect me and that affect others.
8) go to school. learn something i want. pick the place best for me, not my grades.

in short, i want to be content. i want to learn to love myself and love the world around me. i want to project love everywhere i go, let it drown me. live a life with zero expectations. but be happy. if that means taking three aps at once and eating in, so be it. if that means holding someone else's hand the whole night or dancing with everyone at a party, okay. if it means 10 pm showers and apologizing, okay. i'm going to make people mad. but if it'll make me happy, then that's the best thing. 

right now i want meds and a toned stomach. i want to look at the shower without thinking of death. i want to go to bed earlier and get my schoolwork done. 

i'm going to live my life full of love and no apologies. live it on my own terms.

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